We went to Bathurst.
It was fun.

Look at those innocent smiles. If only they knew what indignities awaited them …

Nige explaining to Nails (very, very patiently) that we DO NOT eat at Broke. Not EVA.

Meanwhile, the faithful steeds waited. In the order of bestestness.

Tall Person looking for the specials because, well, he’s not a wealthy man.

Eh! Eh! Take that heart arteries.

A slow-mo replay of the previous shot from Jerry’s but with a musical chairs twist.
Where REAL men gather. Oh! No! It might rain out of that beautiful blue sky …..

A new experience, same diet. Tarana Hotel.

Barnaby desperately looking for a cuppa tea and a stale biscuit.
DD praying over us for a ‘loaves and fishes’ event. No coffee OR biscuits appeared.

 

Having survived multiple accidents over the last two years, and a number of near misses, the surviving Niges agreed it was time to head back to Bathurst for the usual MotoGP ride. The Knickerbocker was closed due to fire safety issues so The George was next on the list. We’d stayed there before and it had dodged all kinds of occ/health and safety inspections for long enough to let us in.

Despite so many recovering from injuries or short of a bike or no longer riding, all were made feel welcome to drive behind and meet at the usual rest stops. And so with Sideways and Grizzly leaving their cars at Lucky’s, and Nails picking them up from there, we headed out to Jerrys. Here we met up with  Nige and Moey and Fairydust.

“Lucky” called Nige

“Present and ready to lead” Lucky yelled back exuberantly

“Everyone else?” 

A small smattering of less than exuberant replies followed from everyone else but that seemed good enough for the President. Not so much with Lucky.

“Aw Cmon fellas, how can I count heads in my mirrors in my capacity of Ride Leader Self Appointed if we don’t know how many are here!” “Where’s Boris and Rocky and Black Santa and Ajax?” He added.

“Not here for a number of unacceptable excuses” said Nige with his angry eyebrows fluttering up and down so fast he almost lifted off the ground. “Their names are not to be spoken for the duration of the weekend!” 

“Barnaby said he would come but!!” a distraught Lucky exclaimed. “We’re gonna need his street cred. I’m glad Fairydust is here but, he’s got a bit.”

Meanwhile…….at Barnaby’s house…. 9am…”Right” thought barnaby to himself, “Jerrys at 9.30 so just enough time to rebuild the engine and replace the brakes. Now where’s my big hammer and my medium sized hammer?” Ten minutes later and the Ninja roared into life. He arrived only a few minutes late and everyone expected Nige to rouse on him but he didn’t and neither would we.

9.25am at Barnaby’s

 

So the riders were now limited to just Lucky, Nige, Fairydust, and Barnaby. Moey and Grizzly took Moey’s red Sportage like last year and Sideways and Nails took Nails’ work truck.

Jerrys before we left. See how easily Lucky’s panniers seem to handle the weight of all his luggage? More on that later.

 

Anyhoo, a delightful ride out to Denman where riders and drivers met for lunch at The Royal. They were met with those same Monster Deep Fried Spicy chicken burgers which most could not finish. 

“Here Lucky, please eat some of my chips.” offered Nige kindly but Lucky had already finished them before he finished that sentence. “Fanks Nige. They were Delicious” He said.
No Boris so Lucky had no free protein to scavenge that day. (NIGE ADDED THIS. CRUEL BUT FAIR.  L. )

“I said ‘some’ Numbnuts not ‘all’ ” Nige said, stealing a handful from Grizzly’s plate. “I believe you’ll find my name is Fucknuckle sir” Lucky replied indignantly.

“Hey” Grizzley cried out “I was eating them” But Nige had already finished them off . Tempers began to flare but then Grizzly snuck a few strays from Barnaby’s plate and all was well.

“Anyway, to finish my story” Nige continued “None of youse who drove should be hungry because youse all ordered chips and dim sims and Chicko Rolls at Broke while we riders waited for youse!!!” This of course was accompanied by a classic Nige scowl that bothered nobody.

“That’s true” said Sideways, “But you forgot to mention our chocolate milkshakes that we took in the cars. We laughed and we laughed and told grand stories about our past. I laughed so much that bubbles came out my nose. It was hilarious and we seen youse on the bikes and it looked really hot and awful so that made us laugh some more.” Giggles from the car drivers here but they went quiet when Fairydust and Barnaby, who give us so much street cred, slowly rose from their chairs. “Sorry about the milkshake remarks boys” Sideways muttered, “I was being a bit silly” We took off in two groups then. Out through Bylong and Sofala and into Bathurst in the mid afternoon.

There was a bit of rain about by the time we pulled into The George parking spots so Lucky and Fairydust opted to pass on the traditional Mt Paranoia ride and headed inside for a beer. As luck would have it, heavy rain fell on those who went to the mountain. Lucky and Fairydust felt terrible and offered them thoughts and prayers.

We were joined by one of Fairydusts’ old mates, Paul,  who was known as Goldie, at the pub and excited greetings and hugs met him as we all wanted to be his friend too. Then he announced he’d ridden in on his Hardly Davistown and our attitudes cooled a bit for a while. He turned out to be a nice fellow who enjoyed a beer and a giggle like the rest of us. Some polite discussions around the merits of a Hardly Davistown followed but that argument couldn’t be sustained long and then Nige announced he would be called Goldilocks. Not sure whether this will take but Nige was pretty pleased with it.

Rooms were allocated and bags were being taken upstairs. Now remember how I told you to check out how easily Lucky’s panniers were resting on the back of his bike? Well when Lucky opened his panniers, they were EMPTY!! After opening and closing them a few times to check he had not made a mistake, Lucky came to the realisation that Sideways’ earlier than expected arrival at his house that morning had disrupted his packing regime and was wondering what to do next when his phone rang. It was Mrs Lucky telling him that she had just got home to find his packed bags sitting on the bedroom floor and not to buy new clothes as she needed to vet any clothing he bought for quality, colour, and style and didn’t want to be seen out with someone dressed like “They’d just stepped out of a mental hospital.” Anyway long story still long, Lucky managed to buy, with guidance from Mrs Lucky, some decent clothes and lingerie for the rest of his stay.

Nige, of course, disagreed with every stitch of clothing Lucky had purchased and laughed mercilessly at Lucky’s widdle wegs sticking out the bottom of his “sports shorts”. ( NIGE ALSO WROTE THIS LITTLE PARAGRAPH AND, EVEN IF IT WAS A BIT FUNNY, IT WAS DREADFULLY DISRESPECTFUL!!   L.)

Dinner at The George that night and a few beers saw most head off to bed. The rooms were of a very high standard except for Nige’s which was “a rat infested hell hole”. So, so unlucky. Everywhere we stay. It’s like they have some underground conspiracy. It’s just not fair.

Next morning, we headed out for our annual bog awful coffee at The Bog Awful Coffee Emporium at Burraga. It was shut down, we assumed, because the years out of date unsold biscuit packets had begun poisoning the mice and lizards that had built cities amongst the detritus on the display shelves. That was disappointing. Poor Goldilocks fought the natural tendencies of a Hardly to run out of lean angles and corners and just wallowed along hoping for the best. It bounced and swayed like a drunken hippopotamus with Goldilocks hanging on as best he could. He got it back to Bathurst and all credit to him just for that.

Meanwhile the drivers had their own excitement. Moey put Grizzly in charge of the Sportage and urged him to take maximum advantage of the Sport part of its name. “Right Grizz” he would say as they approached any car from behind, “Attack position!!” At this Grizzly would drop back a gear and hit the accelerator with gusto, “ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK” Moey excitedly shouted and Grizzly would be around that car spending “As little time as possible on the wrong side of the road” before pulling safely back into his own lane. “Nice job Grizz. How’s your adrenaline!!” “Yeah good thanks Moey. Now What?” asked Grizzly. “Now we howl Grizzly. We howl loud at the moon!!! AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!!!!! Cmon mate, howl with me AWOOOOOOOOOOOOO.!!!!!” And that’s how we heard them before we saw them on their eventual return. Red faced and  testosterone fuelled fist bumps all the way to the bar where the barmaid stopped them with a stern “Shoosh”  “Yes ma’am. Sorry Ma’am” Suitably chagrined they sat quietly to enjoy a nice beer. “woooo” Moey whispered quietly, looking over at where the barmaid had been standing, but nobody heard him so he was ok.

A few beers back at the Knickerbocker which remained open for drinks but not sleepy times. The sprint races were on so we watched them. This year we set a rule that everybody had to tell at least two good jokes each night. A few were told here and received some applause. 

That evening we headed to Panthers for Dinner and it was ok. The highlight was Grizzlies joke. He had told us he was bringing props. Turned out to be a napkin and some dreadful false teeth that he wore whilst telling us about how you should wipe your bottom in the most efficient way. Many howled with laughter at the low-class ribald nature of the joke and Grizzly beamed under the tumultuous cheers and backslapping . Lucky, however,  took notes to take home and compare Grizzlies procedure to his own conservative folding technique which he had developed over a lifetime of toileting. He was keen to see if this breakthrough technology was more efficient than his own. More on that later.

So Sunday morning, the day of the big race that only a few were really interested in despite it being whole purpose of the trip and the actual title of this report. Sunny and cool riding conditions with well surfaced roads allowed for some delightful action. A fairly circuitous route that took us through Tarana, where we had a quiet drink, then east towards Mt Victoria before heading west again and back into Bathurst. All up it was fun. Fairydust, Goldie, and Barnaby had headed home that morning for work commitments. That afternoon Nails had a rushed exit to meet his wife for her birthday dinner. 

Monday morning arrived and we headed North East towards Kandos. With Fairydust and Barnaby already gone, that left Lucky (RLSA) Nige and DD riding whilst Moey, Grizzly, and Sideways packed into the Sportage where Moey had already prepped Sideways about “Attack Positions” and howling. Sideways looked forlorn at this prospect and uttered a less than enthusiastic ‘Yeehaw!’ in response. 

We’d all agreed to meet at Rylstone where we had better coffee at the bakery than the Oriental Cafe or whatever it was called. After this we all agreed to meet at the bakery in Denman for lunch. At this point DD told Nige he might go ahead “for a quick blat”. “Do you think he’ll still meet us for lunch and goodbyes?” Lucky asked Nige hopefully. “Of course he will Lucky. He’s a man of God and his word is his bond!!” We never saw him again.

Lunch pies all done, Moey and Co set off to alarm and upset other road users leaving just Nige and Lucky to ride the last leg home. Uneventful.

9 became 8 became 7 became 6 became 5 became 4 became 3 became 2 became just Nige. (AGAIN, NIGE ADDED THIS BIT.  L.)

On the toileting issue, Lucky later reported that, having given Grizzly’s bottom wiping method at home, he decided that the traditional way is probably best suited to him. “Folding paper into manageable sized squares is very practical and satisfying.” He told the uninterested Nige’s at the follow up coffee gathering.