Missing Persons

‘So what time will Sideways be getting here fellas?” Asked Lucky, forgetting all about Sideway’s nasty crash a month or so earlier. ” Well now Lucky, Uncie Bob fell down remember? and he lives on a farm now because the naughty doctors said his insides are still a bit too sore to ride motorcycles anymore.” Said Moey as gently as he could. You see Sideways had, on an earlier ride, decided to buy Lucky’s Bandit and was figuring out how best to organise a deal when, in mid corner, he didn’t, and went boots up into the scrub at Kulnura. Nevertheless, Nige, Barnaby, Lucky, Moey, and DD gathered once again at Maccas for the annual MotoGP weekend in Bathurst. Lucky couldn’t help but notice that every time someone said Sideways, DD made a little sign of the cross. Sideways was fine but DD wanted to make sure.

Gawd bless Sideways. He was…is…a ripper.

Anyway off we went and found our way travelling over familiar territory out through Bylong and Rylstone and eventually into Bathurst. Now the Knickerbocker was for some strange reason all booked out so Nige threatened the good people at The George Hotel to find luxury accomodation for five and for him to get the best room. His impeccable manners didn’t get him the best room. Lucky got the best room with separate lounge area and a lovely bureau where he could write his memoirs if only he could remember them. And we laughed and we laughed as Nige squeezed himself into the janitors broom closet. But he didn’t hardly complain at all because he was getting used to this ” Inappropriate Treatment of the President ”

Parking was okay behind vandalised roller doors but Lucky nearly dropped his new Tiger against the wall after having a full schooner of some super expensive beer. ” Help me Nige, help me” he wailed as he found himself stuck between bike and brick wall. “Yeah hang on Meister, I’m just trying to remember which room I had again. Didn’t we agree to swap?” But this logic was all too much for poor Lucky who now, horribly confused by Nige’s obvious trickery, still not obvious to Lucky, stared ahead and simply waited to die. ” Oh for Fuck’s sake” said Nige and pulled the Tiger off the wall.

“Thanks Nige, where’s Sideways? ”

“Oh for fuck’s sake” repeated Nige as DD, still inside the pub, blessed himself again without really knowing why.


Not good enough. That’s Nige’s room in the middle.

Speaking of motorcycles. Barnaby brought his R1 along and it’s very, very nice. Red and white and fast. “Its pretty bloody uncomfortable but.” he pointed out. “I’ll drink some beers and see if that fixes me up.” It did. Barnaby is a real man who can fix things made out of metal and we like him because he gives us the street cred we never had.

” Even Sideways never made us feel like real men. ” said Moey. ” David, enough with that christian voodoo willya” He added and DD stopped mid-blessing. “You’re upsetting L..U..C..K..Y”

“I can spell you know, Moey” Replied Lucky. “I teach Up School!!”

” I think you mean High School Lucky” “Oh yeah High School. I knew it was something like that”.

Street cred


On Sunday morning the boys rode out to Burraga. Everybody had a lovely time and drank the usual putrid instant coffee out of foam cups. Happily Moey’s Old Fallapart made it there and back with no dramas. “Graunch free!” he happily stated. Meanwhile, Lucky headed out to Orange to meet up with his old mate Dave and his coffee was freshly brewed with a zesty citrus tart and fresh cream at the local cafe. Ohhhh Lucky!

Worst coffee ever boys!! Wonder how Lucky’s going?

Anyway, we all gathered back at The George for the race. Nige’s usual happy demeanour vanished when all bets were placed for the top five. “Markee’s mine and, as per our yearly arrangement, youse can’t bet on him”

“Oh absolutely”

“Right you are!!”

” God bless that glorious man”

” Whose Markee?”

Markee fell off again and that meant Lucky won the prize…again… like last year. “We hate you Lucky” They said. “Burn in hell you devil-spawn” Bit harsh there DD, Lucky thought to himself.

“Any chance I might get to keep my money this year” asked Lucky who remembered how his winnings from last year, in his absence, was shared equally among the gang by way of a generous bar tab.

“Nah we’re drinking it all and I’ll look after it” said…well, no-one in particular but you know who. “Yep, that sounds about right” a sad and dejected Lucky replied.

Having spent all Lucky’s winnings, the real men led by Barnaby swaggered boldly to the usual pizza place. Not everybody swaggered, some of us kinda shuffled uncertainly behind trying to stay out of trouble. As usual, the orders got all buggered up and Lucky got the wrong topping. I think it was an old sand shoe but he gave it a go anyway. Everybody over-ordered and were figuring what bin to put them in when DD spotted Bathurst’s fattest derro enter the shop. “I’ll see if he wants them” he said. “Listen brother, God bless you and all that, would you like some free left-over pizzas with bits of spit and sand shoe on them?” To our surprise old 30 stone Derrick the Derro, with a cheerio and a thumbs up, hooked in to them while he waited for his own order. We spotted him a bit later chugging past the pub like a 1963 Massey-Ferguson tractor with a toothless grin and a hearty wave. “What the hell was that hanging out the side of his mouth?” Barnaby asked. “Oh wait, I think it’s a shoelace” he said, answering his own question. We drank more beer and went to bed.

At The George you get a complimentary breakfast of cereal and toast and such and it was ok but we missed the old Polish lady from the knickerbocker with her huge breakfasts that nobody has ever finished…ever.

“C’mon boys. Real men don’t use saucers. They’re for pansies.” Street cred!

So we went home. We got to Jerrys without incident. ” I think Sideways would have really enjoyed that ride, bless him” said Dave making an extra big sign of the cross and daring anyone to stop him. “Sideways? is he here?” a very excited Lucky said looking in all directions at once. “No Lucky. Still at the farm” Moey said. A little less calmly this time. We were all a bit tired and cranky I suppose.

Jerrys. No splitters this time.


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